.
Here’s the entire question:
Assalamu Alaikum Megan,
Thank you for the webinar. It was very well researched and it seems you did a very thorough job.
However, from what you and Shaykh Yaser Birjas said, it seemed I would have to “market” myself as someone who is the complete opposite of what I really am.
I am a career oriented woman who wants to have a career and a family and believes it can be done simultaneously, because I see it every day around me, especially among non-Muslim couples. I really passionately do not like cooking. I’m looking for a spouse who would be supportive of what I might want in life too, not just someone who wants me to cook and clean and raise his kids for him.
However, I am not surprised at your research, because those are the kinds of men I mostly meet, whose questions to me are: will you stay home with the kids, and do you cook? It does not matter what their level of education is. I find that especially true among religious-minded men. I find that the more religious they are, the more they want the wife to stay at home.
So my question to you is: which demographic did you meet that would be open to a career-oriented and religious wife? Am I asking for too much? Also, are you open to counselling men to be more receptive to career-minded women? There are many pros to having a wife who works as well. It is really amazing to me that it is only among Muslims that I see this mindset; among all the other religions, it is seen as an asset. Does that really mean that to get what I am looking for, I would have to look outside my religion, which is definitely not what I want?
What does it say about our men if they cannot tolerate a spouse who might be just as successful and qualified as them? Isn’t that also an issue that should be addressed widely in our community?
I would hate to think that the only way for me to get married to a “nice” guy is to become the complete opposite of what I am, or market myself as that. I know women who have falsely marketed themselves, and have gotten married, and that has not been fair for either spouse, and I certainly do not want to go down that route.
After you watch the video, share your comments with me, below.
- Megan Wyatt
Very interesting email and response. As someone who is older and has grown up in the U.S., I do not think I have any romantic notions of women working like the writer of this email. I know what it is like to have a mother who has to work and I have known what it is like to have to work and have children as well. I can say that there is nothing more heartbreaking than leaving a tiny baby or child with someone else while you deal with all the non-sense that goes with most jobs.
Then you come home and do your best to give 100% to your family with the few hours you have left in the day. Then you collapse into bed and do it all again the next day. If they get sick, you have to take off work, angering your employer and risking your job. If you yourself get sick, you cannot afford to stay home and rest because you need those sick days for your kids. Where is the time for prayer, for reflection, for relaxed quality time in the park with your babies? How do you come home from work and deal with the demands of a husband as well as children when all you want to do is lie down somewhere? When he taps you on the shoulder late at night and wants attention, you will not want to give it to him, I assure you.
Childhood passes by quickly. There is plenty of time for a career. You can do many things to keep your skills up while you are at home. Once the children start school, you will have a little more time to add a part-time job. Once they leave for college, you can pursue your dream career full-time if you choose and still have decades of productivity left. Discuss these issues with your future husband. If he knows your heart’s desire is to do right by him and your family, you may be surprised at how open-minded a man can be when he loves you.
Finally, the last thing we should be doing is imitating the non-believers. The grass may look greener, but I can assure you that it is not. Over half of all these marriages end in divorce, many who stay together are committing adultery, and children and teenagers are left unsupervised for hours and hours at a time. If our “backward” men are concerned about these things, then I say alhamdulillah!
| Comment #1 | Posted by: Raven | 11:35 pm
I agree with much of what Megan Wyatt and Raven said and I think you both made some really good points.
Having said that, I also understand where the sister who wrote the email is coming from…
Some men want their wives to stay at home and that’s it. They are not open to supporting their wives to volunteer in the community, to pursue Islamic studies, to continue their professional education, to work part-time, etc., even if it fits with their responsibilities at home. I have seen this a number of times, so I understand why sisters can become defensive. It doesn’t seem right to me for such men to be inconsiderate of their wives’ needs for social time and personal growth.
| Comment #1.1 | Posted by: Anonymous | 12:36 am
Wow, what a great comment mashallah. Thanks for your great insights. You put things in perspective alhumdulillah, now I want to have some kids and stay at home with them!
I love that about conveying to him know that we as women really, truly want what is best for our family, and then when he feels like what is important, it important to us too, of course he will be totally willing help us achieve our goals. It’s all a matter of putting things their proper place, and conveying that the things that are important to him, really are important to us too. SubhanAllah, that is a great point.
| Comment #1.2 | Posted by: S | 2:35 am
yeah me too. i want to stay at home as well after reading your insight. currently i work in a professional role and come home exhausted and just go to bed for an hour, don’t cook and only clean on weekends. that’s coz i live with my parents and they also have two babies so i know how tough children are but i couldn’t imagine having so many responsibilities with a family and working the same way i do now. Each to his own i guess. I vouch for a man that let’s me stay home like a Queen. Plus i want my children to be servents of Allah, not of [a corrupted and petty] society. Though I have thought of starting a business that will let me work around my home responsibilities. insha’Allah.
| Comment #1.2.1 | Posted by: sister | 8:04 am
very well said!
Jazaakum Allahu Khairan
| Comment #2 | Posted by: ... | 11:50 pm
SubhanAllah.. Megan I truly appreciate that you answered such a question.
I truly believe that Allah (SWT) should come first and then your obligations to your family , self, friends. etc.
You can not simply place You You You(all the You’s for Emphasis) on top of everything and think that Allah (SWT) will help you and keep your life all “Happily Ever After ”
And yes Before we blame anyone or find faults in others..(specially MEN) we need to check ourselves and fix ourselves. InshaAllah.
JazaakiAllah Khair Megan .
| Comment #3 | Posted by: Smee | 11:59 pm
As salaam u alaikum,
I have the total opposite problem! Maybe we should trade contacts!! LOL
I am a successful professional who would easily give it up to fulfill my responsibilities to be a homemaker and raise our children…even if I could only do it for the formative years. Instead I meet guys who are looking to “share” financial obligations or they want to become “house husbands” *yes even muslim brothers who pray 5x a day! They either don’t BELIEVE that I would, could and can adapt my lifestyle willingly to accomodate financial ability or they don’t want to give up their perceived comfort and double income home.
I don’t want someone else raising my children, I grew up with my strong independant self reliant mother who was home and raised us. My father then supported her to start her own business after we all were independant and did not require her constant care. So it’s not a stretch for me to know this is possible and desirable…this is not a lie or “marketing technique”. I truly believe this is MY god given responsibility…how do i get these muslim bro’s to get on onboard and fulfill theirs?
*I have professional friends who leave professional lives or work part time because they also see this as their responsibility…alhumdulillah these are my examples and thinking it may help to “prove” my ability/willingness to do this I have cultivated a flexible open work ethic where I can often work from home and take time off as needed while remaining marketable in my field (even though I have no reason to now).
m.
| Comment #4 | Posted by: Munira | 12:09 am
BTW
oooh I liked your response to this! Very straightforward, on point and so tactful!
10/10 response…LOL (not that my vote counts for anything) I see so many young people adammant about this thing called “career” in the end we are everything to the people we put last and nothing to those “jobs” we put first.
| Comment #5 | Posted by: Munira | 12:32 am
I think its so important that you mentioned how the relationship with Allah is the most important thing for us to look at because I think a lot of people set these goals for themselves and there dreams but don’t ask themselves, “what does Allah think of this goal?” “will Allah be happy and proud or am i still not on the straight path”
Also, I think sisters need to remember grow into better people with the guidance of a mother in the house. And its not “his” kids. They are blessing that Allah has given both of you together so you have to think about whats best for your whole entire family and just not yourself.
| Comment #6 | Posted by: feda | 1:13 am
mashAllah,
jazakallah khair.
| Comment #7 | Posted by: ????? | 2:23 am
Salaam,
very interesting MashaAllah. A lot of good points raised
| Comment #8 | Posted by: Khadeeja | 8:35 am
I have a question. I’m 23 years old and am interested in getting married. I am currently pursuing my Masters. After marriage, and in particular after having children, I don’t think I would desire a career for myself, given that my husband would be bringing adequate amount of “halaal” income home [insha'Allah]. However, I do want to complete my Masters degree to make myself educated and compatible enough – for my personal satisfaction. My question is – should I delay finding a suitable spouse for myself until I’m 24 or 25 and have completed my Masters, or should I start looking for a husband right away and get married [in which case he would have to pay for my Masters after marriage]? I would really appreciate sincere opinions and responses from both brothers and sisters. May ALLAH guide us all! Jazakum Allah khair!
| Comment #9 | Posted by: Girl | 10:15 am
Good points
I used to think about career and myself first. But now i realise children are very important. Non muslims dont care about thier kids let them grow up wild with no belief or morals. The mother shoudl instill deen within the children.
| Comment #10 | Posted by: Salwa | 1:58 pm
I have the same question:
“I have a question. I’m 23 years old and am interested in getting married. I am currently pursuing my Masters. After marriage, and in particular after having children, I don’t think I would desire a career for myself, given that my husband would be bringing adequate amount of “halaal” income home [insha'Allah]. However, I do want to complete my Masters degree to make myself educated and compatible enough – for my personal satisfaction. My question is – should I delay finding a suitable spouse for myself until I’m 24 or 25 and have completed my Masters, or should I start looking for a husband right away and get married [in which case he would have to pay for my Masters after marriage]? I would really appreciate sincere opinions and responses from both brothers and sisters. May ALLAH guide us all! Jazakum Allah khair!”
| Comment #11 | Posted by: nana | 12:26 am
Assalam Alaikum Meagan,
I think you are spot on. We, secular woman, tend to be very self absorbed. We are not really grounded in reality of living in faith. We live in a bubble where things should work in accordance to what we want, when and how we want it. Baloney. Funny that my parents and society have been singing this for ages and I have refused to believe them; i have to pay 400 USD to accept what I can get for free over coffee with my aunts
So much for our Cosmopolitan, Elle and Vogue mindset: for it to be valueable, we have to pay for it.
| Comment #12 | Posted by: Little Bird | 4:03 am
Dear Sister(nana) who desire to get married,.
1. While appreciating yr desires to getting married and giving up carrier fr the sake of the children.
2. You should be able to decide on yr own whether you can stay fr another two year’s.. if yes better finish yr Masters and go fr marriage.
3. You should also think yr self if you get married you will be strong enough to continue yr studies.(But this should not be the case if you are a honest and desirable Girl).
4. There is no harm looking fr a proposal and finding a partner may be you will find a person who will be accept yr desires and getting marry y or wait until you finish yr masters.
5. Pray to Allah and request him to bless you the best option which Allah think is the best..Accept the thruth as Allah knows what good and bad for each of us.
salaams
| Comment #13 | Posted by: Shafaque | 4:17 am
Alhamdulillah, jazakallah khairan for the useful webinars.
I most definitly agree with you sister Megan; the reason behind marriage.
I am a university student, studying to become a teacher. However, when the time comes for marriage, i don’t mind mind staying at home and fulfilling my duties as a wife because it always goes back to the same question; what does it mean to be a wife/husband. What are the islamic as well as biological roles of men and women?
In short, a wife is like the heart of the soul whereas, the husband is like the strength of a soul.
They are like a rose and its stem, like plant and earth, like rain and sun.
You need both of them, one cannot do without the other.
jazakallah khairan for taking your time in reading my comment(s).
May Allah have mercy upon us to implement our good intentions and to keep them consistent.
Ameen
As salamu alaikum.
| Comment #14 | Posted by: naj.. | 9:57 am
Megan is right. When thinking about marriage it is important to focus on our ultimate goal, which is to please Allah. Besides, I remember as a kid, I loved it that my mother was a stay-at-home Mom. I felt she was always there for me, which gave me a great sense of love, warmth, and security. I have been so focused on my education and career that I have almost lost touch with those memories and feelings which I clung to so dearly like a life-saver as a child. Now I know I must do right by my children if Allah blesses me with them.
| Comment #15 | Posted by: Ask | 8:39 pm
Megan, that was a fantastic answer that more muslimahs NEED to hear (I know many don’t want to, or don’t realize what a grave mistake they are making).
I am only 20, but i understand my role as a wife and as a future MOTHER Insha Allah. A mother is given the highest form of respect in Islam. No one else but we can fulfill this important role. Its so special SubhanAllah! Allah SWT has given a mother preference over others…how could you just throw this chance away? How could you not avail this opportunity, this blessing that is given to you as a female to fulfill a role that YOU and ONLY YOU can do!
I for one cannot wait to get married and have kids and teach them about Islam…and teach them the values I feel are important that this society disregards. If I want them to respect me, to be close to me, to trust me and to share the same values and learn from me, I would have to be there for them at their early vulnerable stage when they are picking up things the most quickly. Only then will they gain the level of respect that mothers in the West do not get.
I cannot risk handing my kids over to a daycare and basically bringing them up for me. Its just as bad as letting a TV bring up my child.
The brothers have a RIGHT to be concerned, because if the mother isn’t at home to teach them properly, both parents will be accountable to Allah SWT for not teaching them enough to make them proper Muslims, to value their body, their mind, their soul. To be in good company, to ask Allah, to pray, fast, earn halal income, and be responsible.
JazakAllah Khair and keep up the good work! may Allah SWT reward you tremendously!
| Comment #16 | Posted by: reality | 8:39 pm